Step-by-Step: Making Aliyah to Israel

Documenting the very personal process of making Aliyah (immigration to Israel) by one very atypical Israeli-American girl. Aliyah on 17, August, 2005. Roadmap: What do you mean there's no roadmap?! Hang on, we're in for a bumpy ride! Ole!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Anyone have any prozac they could spare? I could use some. I feel ill. I really just feel like I've been beaten, punched in the stomach, kicked in the head.

All day today I have felt like when you are watching a horror film where you sit in the darkened theater and want to scream "what, are you stupid, don't go into that room?!" and of course...But this is worse, because in the horror film you, at least, know exactly where it is the monster is hiding and lurking and you have a pretty good idea when it is he will strike. In this horror film we are all flying blind.

I'm checking the news religiously. Been on the phone for hours, people here calling, people from the States. People from the States keep asking, "what is going on over there?" --well folks, you read the same news (news, news, news) that I do and know as much. I haven't mustered the strength to read the comments to my previous post. I haven't done my usual tour of seeing what is up with friends and those I've never contacted but whose positions on many issues I very much respect and admire in my own country or in my neighboring countries.

Had a conversation with a friend today. She is even more to the left than I am. She was in tears. "We've just been wasting our time and our energy hoping for peace, working for peace, believing that they want and value the same things as we do. They don't. They don't even care about themselves, about their own interests, about their own people. I can't do it anymore, I've had enough," she said, "I'm washing my hands of it. They can go to hell in the handbasket of their own making."

I agreed with her. She agreed with me. We vented, we raged. And then we began to slowly argue each other out of those stances, but...yes, well true, however...I spoke with someone the other day who said...

And now, truth to tell, I don't really know where I stand other than being able to say I feel exhausted and ill. I can't say that I have hope. In fact, I can say that I have the least hope for peace in our region that I've ever had save for, as another friend mentioned, the afermath of the terrorist attack on the dolphinarium and the horrificlynching of two of our reservists who had the bad misfortune to have committed the crime of taking a wrong turn in Ramallah. Those images haunt me to this day and those were the lowest points for me. But I'm pretty to close to that. I'm pretty close.

I ended my conversation with my friend far from the positions we both started the phone call at ...but also far from where we were a few weeks ago. Where I stood last August, riding high on hope after the disengagement from Gaza...that is a far and distant memory.

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