Step-by-Step: Making Aliyah to Israel

Documenting the very personal process of making Aliyah (immigration to Israel) by one very atypical Israeli-American girl. Aliyah on 17, August, 2005. Roadmap: What do you mean there's no roadmap?! Hang on, we're in for a bumpy ride! Ole!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

a Baudelaire child...

This is what happens when you have a real world Aunt Josephine (Meryl Streep's character in Lemony Snicket) for a mother:

1. As you are reading a post about the need to wear bike helmets on the House of Joy site, highlighted by a story about their little babysitter who got into an accident and spent a week in the hospital with a concussion, you immediately start a comment with, "Good G-d, the child could have gotten an eggshell fracture which is fatal!" before pulling yourself together and deleting it.

2. Even though you've pulled yourself together enough to not post that response, you can't stop yourself from free-associating first from every bike-related eggshell fracture case your Moth..Aunt Josephine has informed you of over the years (ahem, 4) to every other activity and case of eggshell fractures: hmm, let's see at least 2 from skiing accidents (not to mention several cases of broken necks); a total of 7 from skateboarding, iceskating, and rollerskating combined (pounded into my head when I was a skate kid); 1 from horseback riding but that is more likely to cause a broken neck leading to (most likely according to Aunt J) death or (secondarily) paralysis, and 1 from slipping on stairs. Eggshell fractures can also result from falling off ladders, out of trees, and slipping in the bathtub. Give me about 10 seconds and I'll be able to remember more. Hey, if I have to know these things so do you dear readers :)

3. You read a post (on Aliyah Blog) about bugs in lettuce and needing to wash the greenstuff carefully but you, alas, do not manage to pull yourself together in time to not send along the helpful information that lettuce needs to not only be washed carefully because of the bugs but because there are deadly viruses in the soil that cling to it. You can (and do) quote cases of extreme illness and death resulting from scarfing unwashed-enough rabbit food. You further can (and do) specify exactly how many times to wash the individual leaves (5) and in what (a solution of slightly warm, salted water). You also throw in for good measure the news that you shouldn't eat scallions (those long green onion things) in restaurants because they definitely can't be trusted to wash them well enough and people have died from spicing up their lives with a bit of salsa from Chi Chi's (to be specific 27 people fell ill and 4 or 5 croaked in one mass unwashed-scallion eating episode). To be fair to Aunt Josephine, the warning of death-by-scallions came from my Aunt Cheryl. But don't worry, Aunt J has added it to her mental list of possible disasters that may befall her loved ones. Alas, so have I it seems. Oh, and now you have too of course.

4. In other words, you will discover that you have been completely against your will and kicking and screaming all the way turned into an Aunt Josephine yourself.

Just watch out for the refridgerator, it could one day fall on you.

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